I Don’t Believe in Marriage…

If I had access to a time machine, one of the first things I would do (after going back in time to meet and save Abraham Lincoln) would be to tell high school me that there is a difference between a blog and a diary. As you can see below, this is not information that I was aware of, then.


Alright, so I didn’t believe in “True Love,” even though I considered it sacred enough to capitalize. Fair. Also cool that I never wanted to get married. My experience with men up until that point had been limited to future frat boys and chunkalicious hockey players. Watch this, and you will frankly be amazed that I didn’t get me straight to a nunnery:

I still have hope for the old age and many different lovers thing. So far, that’s going well.

Next, I consider my dream man. To this day, Chuck Bass is my ultimate fantasy. To all you goons out there who didn’t live vicariously through the Upper East Side to escape real-life bullying (heh heh), Chuck Bass is a character played by Ed Westwick in the CW series Gossip Girl. His character is kind of a jerk and a douche to everyone except Blair, his one true love. Ohhhhh and he does have impeccable style, maximum posh, verging on garish, which is what I defined to be impeccable style back then.


So here in this post, I’ve designed my hypothetical wedding dress. Amy Bass. Amy Stoltenberg Bass. It actually sounds pretty good. (Tied for first with Amy Gosling).

I’d never taken a creative writing class before, so you’ve got to give me credit for the sparkling visual image that comes next: “If I saw a man in a perfectly tailored suit with plaid pants, a matching tie, and an arrogant swagger step out of a limo in New York City I would yell ‘Lets Get Married’ at the top of my lungs.” Mmmmmm, picture that, and relish the image. I really did know how to hook a man.

The sketch itself is precious, and typical of my drawing style at the time. I always drew boobs really big, probably as some kind of psychological response to having tiny ones IRL. The legs are a little odd; my friends used to call them “pee feet” because it looks like she has to pee. I can’t argue with that. Maybe she has to pee because she’s so freaking excited about getting married. Or, I don’t know, maybe she’s just really enthusiastic about staying hydrated.

Maybe she’s planning on living forever and having a bunch of different lovers, and she knows that for that to happen she’s got to have wrinkle-free skin, so she harnesses the power of water as a natural moisturizer. A princess has got to plan.




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