~Where I Want at Last~

 

“Where I Want at Last” is a poem that I wrote in December 2012 and published in January 2013 on my high school blog, Amy Tunes Out. Tuning in today, let’s take a look at the original post*

*trigger warning: adolescent flashbacks may be conjured

To dissect this little gemstone of clinical depressed melodrama, let’s start from the top.

The first couple of sentences aren’t actually that bad. In fact, they’re kind of self aware. Good job, teeny-bopper me.

The surgery I’m talking about is a reconstructive operation on my heel, the third one in a long process of rehabilitation (more on that later). Oh, and I posted this on January 24, 2013…so I’d also just had my appendix taken out. That’s right – my next blog will be called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” and it will narrate all the time I spent drawing strength from The Big Man, fighting to hang around just a little bit longer. By “The Big Man”, of course I mean Channing Tatum and of course I mean his body, which, shirtless, supplied me with enough endorphins to make it through a whole lotta pain.

Ok, so the first part is cute – I’m a tough lil nugget, wipe the tears from your eyes – and then things start to go downhill.

I have this habit, on Amy Tunes Out (ATO) of addressing my audience as “you” or “you people.” The question must be raised: who in the world was I talking to? I’m pretty sure that at this point ATO only had about three views per week, and they were all from me, nervously checking the site from a school computer, hoping that someone would glance over my shoulder and be wowed by my ‘net skillz.

It turns out that I was impressing no one but myself with such endearing vulnerability.

With no permission granted from a nonexistent audience, I go on to quote Leo Tolstoy.

What’s wrong with that? Isn’t it perfectly normal for an educated intellectual such as myself-age-seventeen to slang words from a fellow thinker?

Yeah, except for the fact that I’d never read a word of his work in my life.

That’s a stolen quote, nabbed from one sassy Veronica “Ronnie” Miller aka Miley Cyrus in the classic film of yung luv and beach bums, The Last Song.

Ronnie’s sitting on the beach with Liam Hemsworth (his character name is irrelevant, we all know that that movie is about his abs), and he’s trying to woo her. Ronnie’s reading Anna Karenina, and they do a flirtalicious quoting banter which is highly sexually charged. I couldn’t find a clip of them in Tolstoy action, but this part sets the scene:

How would Mr. T feel about the fact that I’d stolen his words from a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel? I’ll quote another “Mr. T” who happens to be a favorite of mine:

Finally, the introduction paragraph comes to an end. But not before a quirky sign-off. I was damn tickled by my adopted, “OxOx”, a manipulated version of the generic af “xoxo”. Just read it out loud – “AuxAux.” It’s still kind of funny.

But we’re not laughing for long. Next comes the most depressing poem ever published by a white suburban teenager. I wish I could say that “Where I Want At Last” was a drug-induced diddy that I wrote on oxycodone, but no. I was likely in a chemically altered state – but this was probably from the synthetic cheese dust à la Nacho Cheese DORITOS®.

There’s not much to dissect in the poem. It’s hilariously sad. I give you all permission to laugh.

What do you think I meant by “permanent sleep / Forever”??? Am I referring to DEATH!!?! Yes, yes I was.

It’s cool though, cause I lived to tell the tale.

And now, I shall blog about it.

OxOx,

Sincerely,

Therapy helps,

Amy